Slade Slade Slade
by The Kaiser Marcus
Summary: Slade, you dog you... Oneshot. HumorParodyAUGH factor involved


_In recognition to Slade's past of the DC comics continuity_ .

_Thank you for being the second-biggest manwhore._

**Slade... Slade... Slade...**

Beneath hundreds of feet of dirt, steel and concrete, Slade sat in his thone-like chair, fingers crossed and in front of his face. He stared out to the opposite wall, shrouded in the darkness that covered the entire room. His body remained rigid, unwavering. It had been a long time, and the desire was calling too strongly to resist anymore. Slade suddenly slouched in his seat, resting his masked cheek on a fist.

"I need to get laid." he said, out-loud and carelessly. He sighed, scratching the side of his leg, right underneath the strap that kept his plated armor on. He shifted a bit in his seat as the small urge died out, his skin soothed for a little while. But the much larger one remained. Nothing he did could ever relieve the stress, it was something that just gnawed away at him, at his manhood, for every second it was there.

Years back though, if he got this way it was pretty easily remedied. Just pulled his wife over and after a few hours, he didn't have any problem with it for _months _at a time. His thoughts started to trail off a bit.

Adeline...

**-S-**

"Slade, can't you seem that I'm busy right now?" Adeline said, trying to get the spoon full of apple-sauce into the infant's mouth. The baby turned his blonde head, making several small sounds of resistance. Slade watched as his wife jerked the soon to the side quickly, pushing it into the person's small mouth before the baby could avoid it.

"Addie..." he began, not making any attempt to hide his emotions. It had been what, two, three months since their last time? Far too long for him, especially considering all the... _free time _he had on his hands these days. Hunting wild animals could only go so far anymore, sometimes there needed to be a bit more competitiveness in his other pursuits...

"Slade, I'm trying to feed Joey, what's so hard to see about that? It's not like you're going to _die_ if you don't have sex." Slade cocked his head to the side, grunting. Yeah, like she knew. He heard a small laugh come from his son, followed by his wife's giggling. Agh, son always getting Adeline's attention, and keeping it to himself. Damn voice of his, maybe something was in order for the kid, like getting his neck slashed or--

No, what was he thinking? It was his... son there. His son... about to now get fed by his mother, as she reached a hand up to the collar of her blouse, and began to unbutton it--

Slade turned away from his wife and glared at the wall behind him. For a moment he felt like it would explode into a million shards of wood, and if it didn't he certainly could just rip it into that many right now...

_'Nah, better not do that. If I do, Addie will probably never get back into bed with me.'_ Slade thought, closing and opening his fists. Just had to wait for her to finish feeding Joey, just would be a few minutes. Just would be a few... minutes... His eyes shifted to the side, looking at Adeline's back. She shifted her arms a bit, the wrapping around his son moving into view some more. Just had to wait... just had to... wait.

Adeline spun the baby around, her arms moving again. Slade nearly dropped his jaw. What was the woman doing, both of them! At this rate it'd be after midnight before he got any, if at all! Sometimes he _really _hated children... No, had to remain calm, had to. Slade wiped at his forehead with the palm of his hand. He brought it back to his eye sight, and noticed the thick sweat developing.

_'Come on Slade, pull it together...'_

But after several minutes of non-stop feeding, Slade finally got fed up. He turned to the door leading out of the room, and marched out to the stairs. He climbed then, keeping his entire body stiff. Adeline looked behind her for a second, staring at him. She then shrugged, and went back to her child.

Slade got up the stairs and took an immediate right, going straight into his room. He slammed the door behind him, before falling back onto his bed. He sighed, looking up at the ceiling. It was becoming unbearable now... but what could he do? Run back down, grab her while she's still taking care of Joey, and bring her up? Nah, just not worth it. Addie would just scream the entire time, and the kid would probably be crying and giving him a headache. He could do it easily but just... no, not worth it.

So then... just waiting now. Maybe being half-way there would ease some of the pressure.

The next few minutes seemed to drag on like eternity to the man. He turned from one side to the other; unbuttoned his shirt; his pants; but nothing else seemed to help. God! What was taking that infernal woman so long? She was doing this on purpose, he knew she was! Probably still downstairs, giving his kid seconds or something--

Slade turned his head as the door creaked open, his thoughts interrupted. His wife walked into the room, closing the door softly behind her. Adeline wore a neutral look on her face, even as she approached the bedside.

"I put Joey to sleep, just so you know," she said, getting in next to him. She began to unbutton her blouse again, taking her other hand and moving it over to Slade's bare chest. he kicked the covers off the edge of the bed, leaving only a sheet between them over the mattress.

"Let's try to keep this a little quiet."

Damn kids.

**-S-**

"Tea, sir?"

Slade stopped his reminiscing and looked over to the owner of the voice. His butler Wintergreen stood near the entrance to his lair, tray and cup in-hand. Wintergreen took the silence as a "yes", and moved right into the room. It was easy for the elderly friend to see what was wrong with his master, but again even easier to see that there wasn't anything _he _could do to help. And more importantly, nothing he would've _wanted_ to do to help.

"Thank you," Slade responded after Wintergreen put the tray down next to him, picking up a cup of tea. He never knew why he did it, it wasn't like he ever drank in front of anyone. But still... a good cup of tea always seemed to calm him, even if only a little. He stood up, cup still in hand, and walked away. Wintergreen kept at his post, arms folded behind him.

"Might I suggest sir, that perhaps you seek out one of your older aqquaintances?" Slade turned to his butler, runing a finger along the side of his cup.

"Like who?" he asked after a few moments. Most of his "aqquaintances" were either in prison, dead, or... out of commission. So just who...

"I hear Sweet Lily is still 'in service' sir, perhaps you would want to call--"

"No."

Wintergreen stood for several seconds, before bowing curtly to Slade, folded hands in front of him.

"Apologies, sir." Slade raised a hand, stopping the gesture.

"There's no need, William. I just don't want another "surprise" in fifteen years from her." Wintergreen nodded his head. He then turned back to the tray and picked up, before walking off again, towards the door leading out. Slade continued to stand in the same position however, returning his finger to the edge of his cup. The steam from the hot beverage rose up, filtering into his masks. His eye blinked from it, interrupting only his sight for a moment.

Lily...

**-S-**

"Madam Lily, perhaps this is not wisest thing to be doing with--"

A loud, wet noise made itself heard, followed by the sound of something falling, thudding on the ground.

"Shut up, stupid girl! I want to see if the rumors of Deathstroke are true!"

"But Madam--"

"Go pleasue some other man and make some business, instead of sitting there and being useless! Do it now!"

Slade could make out the faint sounds of a person... running. It could have been so much easier if he just opened his eyes, but...

_'Nah, not yet, not... yet.'_

The faint sound of a zipper unzipping reached his ears. He could feel the fabric of his pants peel away from his leg hairs, a few stinging as they sprung back, breaking their hold with his clothing.

"Now we shall see..." Sweet Lily's voice again. He really couldn't stand it, but it was a small price to pay right now, definitely a small price.

_'Faking unconsciousness, best plan yet.'_

**-S-**

It hadn't been that good really, but that wasn't the main concern for him, usually. When these urges came, he just had to get some, quality be damned. But then, like he said to Wintergreen, those fifteen year surprises were never a good thing. Even if she was pretty cute though, for his daughter...

Slade started walking again through his room. He tossed his unsipped drink onto the floor, and heard a satisfactory crack as the cup shattered into dozens of small pieces, its contents spilling out. No matter, Wintergreen would eventually find it and clean the mess up, he always did. He continued to stroll in the unlit chamber, folding his hands behind his back in his usual stance. These... memories... seemed to help a little bit, moreso than anything else. But going over and over those two, or just Adeline? Eh... not really to his tastes.

He moved his hand over the wall next to him, searching for... something. Slade found it after a few moments, and slid the hidden panel aside. He then extended a single finger into the uncovered space, and pressed against something. A small humming noise started up, followed by several others, much quieter however. Slade moved over a few steps, reaching into a new panel.

"Still just as sharp." he said, examining the triple-claw weapon as he pulled it from its case. He pressed a button on the weapon's underside, the claws withdrawing into the main body of the object. They made for very good weapons, very discreet. Not his style, of course, but not something he'd loathe to use, either.

The person he had gotten this from however certainly hadn't loathed using them on him.

Cheshire...

**-S-**

"She said she'd be around here somewhere..."

Slade cursed at the other person's voice, especially since he was here for _her_... He looked over from behind the trunk he was hiding with and saw the punk, with his orange hair and red clothing. The kid really didn't have a chance, competing with him, but the thought of any other male in the area detracting from his luck tonight infuriated him. He could probably rip the guy in half right now, if that's what it took.

A branch jostled softly in the distance. Slade turned his head quickly in it's direction. He could already see the occupant, sitting with her legs bent on the moving branch. Even in the dark of night he could see her green kimono covering most of her body, leaving only her legs bare from the thighs and down. Good, she had come...

He stood up, and silently jumped across the expanse to the girl. She seemed to just be sitting there, as if waiting for the right moment to... _pounce..._

_'I'm the only one doing that tonight, though.' _

She looked over just a second before Slade pushed off from the final branch, too late to do anything. Slade tackled the girl, taking her down. They landed with a thud, the girl thrashing at him. She started to screech, almost animal-like. One of her claws extended out from her long sleeves. Cheshire finally managed to get an arm free and clawed at his chest. Slade reared back in shock, letting her go.

"You're quick to the point, aren't you?" he said after a moment, ripping his shirt even more. Cheshire sat there a few seconds, before raising her foot and slamming it into Slade's groin area. The man stood still for a few seconds, before falling to his knees. The girl managed to crawl back before he fell on top of her. She sat there for a few seconds, watching.

"Ah come on, where are you Jade?" the boy's voice from the clearing picked up again. Slade saw as Cheshire stood up at the sound of it, turning her head in his direction. No... he couldn't... lose to the punk... it wasn't... right...

With a speed that Cheshire didn't even suspect from him currently, Slade leapt up from his hunched-over position and grabbed at her, The girl reared back, nearly falling over from the quick movement. Her sleeve trailed behind however, and Slade grasped onto it.

"Got you now, kitty."

The girl tried to pull away, to which Slade only gripped tighter. No way she was going to get away now, no way.

_"RIIIP"_

Cheshire suddenly bounded away from him, jumping over the bushes and out into the clearing. The teens' cries and yells started up again, even as Slade simply lied there, holding onto the ripped cloth and... claw left in it. He eyed the weapon for a second or two.

"I didn't come here for second place.." he mouthed, looking over into the clearing. The cat girl had jumped at the other teenager, and was still yelling at him, pointing back towards the bushes, where he was hiding. Not good, he could stand to tame the woman he was after tonight, have her learn to appreciate him being around, and keeping it a secret, but another witness...

The archfoe soon found himself standing up and running through underbrush and plants, away from the two. He'd just have to get to some native village near here, there were always plentiful opportunities around, even if it'd cost him. Still, better than nothing. The two teens' voices had almost become nothing at this distance, only a faint whisper to him now.

"Wait... you want to... over there?"

Slade shuddered at the wet noise that followed the insinuation, the sound continuing to echo off the tree trunks after the fact. Poor guy, Slade almost felt sorry for him.

**-S-**

Slade put the trophy back in its place, before moving on. Maybe when she was older. Legality really wasn't a matter, it wasn't like Slade ever followed the law anymore. Certainly there weren't going to be any guidelines for him about his whenever-he-felt-like-it activities.

The villain started walking again. Hunting teenagers were usually out of the question for this sort of problem of his, anyway. Oh sure, he'd been around them long enough, and there definitely wasn't anything wrong with how they looked or dressed...

No, something was wrong with them. A lack of... of... _maturity_. For some reason, teens could never look past his villain exterior, and towards his other qualities. All they'ed ever see of him was "SLADE!" before pulling out a bo staff, or shooting him with magic. No, they could never see what most women saw of him; a six-foot four giant hunk of manhood, with muscles so large he could crack walnuts inbetween them. None of those teenagers ever could see that about him! Just... "SLADE!" and charge...

Oh well, wisdom always come with age, after all. Sooner or later, they'd all see it, although it didn't stop him hoping they'd do it sooner.

Slade again stopped in his pacing. He'd considered all the Titan girls once or twice, but no, none of them fit the mold. Starfire was too strong, definitely not a quality he liked in mates. Plus, did he really need to give that Robin fellow any more reason to obsess over him? God, that child was insane. Almost as if his obsession boiled over to... something else...

Naaahh, anyone who thought like that had an empty head and needed a complimentary kick courtesy of Slade himself. Completely baffling, to think of anything like that.

Then there were the other two, Terra and... that other little hussy. First one was a rock, still in that neuro-suit he built for her. Plus, nothing good there to boot. No, he'd sooner go a day in his urges than pick up with her. Even at those times he still had to have principle...

And that left... _Raven_.

He'd have to do away with her, eventually. No way he could let what she had going on continue.

**-S-**

Slade watched from the ventilation shaft situated over Raven's room. It had been his best plan yet, definitely. Just wait until she crawled into bed, then break through the ceiling and get in with her. It wasn't like she would resist him anyway, she hadn't in the past. In fact, if memory served correct, she'd had actually _helped_ him take over her leotard, back when he worked for her dad. Yeah, she was different from the other teens, definitely.

_'There she is,'_ he thought to himself, even as the girl entered the room. He suddenly frowned however, as he noticed the clothing she was wearing. It was a... blue nightgown, covering everything on her except for her face completely. What had she done with that nice little outfit of hers? Wasn't that all she owned? He had been certain the last time he'd been here, even if she had been out...

"Joey, turn out the lights when you come in, alright?" she spoke back out to the hallway, before turning back to her bed. She walked over and moved the covers to the side, crawling in. Slade simply stared at her, his body going numb.

Joey? _Joey?_ No, it couldn't be, there was... no way it could be his--

A slightly-tall blonde boy walked into the room, and flipped a switch on a wall of the room. The small bit of light shining into the place shut off, shrouding his own entrance into the bed. Slade continued to stare, his attention shifting back from his son, to the girl in bed next to him. His son, putting his arms around her, to the girl, scooting into him more. His son, kissing her on the back of the neck, to the girl, running a hand backwards through his hair.

That _wench._

Slade slammed his fists into the air duct in the vent, sending it down into the room. The two teens sat up in bed as the man followed the casing, landing in a crouch. He stood up, and walked over to Raven's sde of the bed. The two teens watched him, both wide-eyed.

"Get away from him!" Slade shouted, grabbing the empath and ripping her from Jericho's grip. He began to shake her, yelling obscenities.

He noticed his son coming to her attempted-rescue, beginning to pull on one of his arms. He turned and punched Joey straight in the face, knocking him back.

"I'm doing this for your own good son!"

"Azarath Metrion Zinthos!"

Slade immediately flew back through several items, negative energy swarming over his body. Augh, that girl was rough, and even more reason to keep her from Joey. He tried to shift through some of the objects she had thrown him into, pushing a double-stand with two masks off him. As he did so Raven ran over to Jericho, kneeling down next to the mute teen.

"Don't touch him!" he cried, jumping back up. His son had to be protected from that she-devil, no matter the cost! Raven turned her head back to the villain, eyes glowing white.

"Get. Out." Slade's body was encased in obsidian energy again. He felt himself be picked up from the ground, and watched as he floated over to the window in her room. "NOW!"

He smashed into the window, taking a curtain with him. It shrouded him just like the energy had, only not as controlling over his movements. He continued to fall freely through the air, increasing in speed every second. The man struggled with the fabric, trying to pull it off him.

He landed with a huge splash into the bay. After a few seconds he surfaced back up, gasping for air. Slade looked back up at the tower, barely able to make out the broken windowpane. Sirens seemed to be going off, the other Titans probably alerted by now. Ah crap. No point in staying here then. Slade took a stroke, before breaking into a freestyle.

Well, at least he'd lost the urge tonight. And probably forever. The thought of his son with her...

AUGH!

**-S-**

His son still hadn't called him after that. He had felt slightly guilty for doing what he had back there. But then again, it was for the best. No way he was going to let his son sleep with that... that thing! The tango with the devil's daughter? No, he'd handle that himself, not let his son be torn to pieces by her.

Maybe just a good talking-to would do it. Eh, he'd think more on it later. All this thought had helped here and there, but not as much when it was failure.

The doors to his chamber opened again. Slade looked back up, and saw his butler standing at the door.

"Good news, sir. You have a guest currently waiting for you in your quarters."

"Who is it?" Slade asked, opening and closing his hands behind his back. Considering his current mood, he'd rather not deal with anyone right now. Still, for Wintergreen to allow them that far into his domain...

"A lady sir, although I don't exactly know how she came to be here at this current time," Wintergreen added, a slight smirk crossing over his face. Slade nodded. Best friend he ever had...

He began to walk again, and in no time passed by his butler. Slade moved quickly down the hallway, his strides increasing with every step. He reached the door to his room after only a few moments, and pushed it open with so much force it hit the wall behind it, echoing.

"Vell' Vell' Vell', Slade, vhat' brings you here?"

"Madame Rouge," Slade responded, looking at the woman on his bed. She outstretched an arm to the fellow villain, beckoning him forward.

"Vell', come on, I heard this vas' important to you. And avter' all, I have been looking vorward to meeting you."

Slade walked into the room and slowly closed the door behind him.

Certainly would be.

**END**


End file.
